What Are Control Dramas ?
Remember that human beings compete for energy. We do so in order to feel a psychological lift. We believe that we must get attention, love, recognition, support, approval-all forms of energy-from others. We adopt a way to pull the energy in our direction by the kind of interactions we had as children with our parents.
One of the first steps we must take to evolve consciously is to clear away our past attitudes, fears, misinformation, and behavior for controlling the flow energy. Early in life we unconsciously adapted ourselves to our environment. How our parents treated us, and how we felt around them, was our training ground for learning to control the energy flowing to us.
Each of us must go back into our past, back into our early family life, and see how this habit was formed. Seeing its inception keeps our way of controlling in consciousness. Remember, most of our family members were operating in a drama themselves, trying to pull energy out of us as children. This is why we had to form a control drama in the first place. We had to have a strategy to win energy back. It is always in relation to our family members that we develop our particular drama.
However, once we recognize the energy dynamics in our families, we can go past these control strategies and see what was really happening.
There are four main classifications of energy manipulations, and they operate on a continuum. Some people use more than one in different circumstances, but most of us have one dominant control drama that we tend to repeat, depending on which one worked well on the members of our early family.
Control Dramas Classifications
Intimidator
Intimidators get everyone to pay attention to them by force of loudness, physical strength, threats, and unexpected outbursts. They keep everyone on edge for fear of triggering off embarrassing comments, anger, and, in extreme cases, rage. Energy comes toward them because of the fear and suspicion of the "next event." Intimidators always have the stage. They make you feel afraid or anxious.
Basically egocentric, their behavior may range from ordering others around, talking continuously, being authoritarian, being inflexible and sarcastic, to being violent. Intimidators are probably the most cut off from universal energy. They initially engage others by creating an aura of power.
Each of the four control dramas creates a specific energy dynamic called a matching drama. For example, the matching drama that is created by an Intimidators is primarily the Poor Me-an extremely passive energy dynamic. The Poor Me, feeling that the Intimidators is robbing him or her of energy on a frightening scale, tries to stop the threatening interchange by assuming a cringing, helpless attitude: "Look what you're doing to me. Don't hurt me, I'm too weak." The Poor Me is attempting to make Intimidators feel guilty in order to stop the attack and regain a flow of energy. The other possibility for a matching drama is the Counter Intimidators. This drama will occur if the Poor Me attitude does not work, or, more likely, if the personality of the other person is also aggressive. Then this person will fight back with the original Intimidator. If one of your parents was an Intimidator, chances ore one of his or her parents was an Intimidators or passive Poor Me.
Interrogator
Interrogators are less physically threatening, but break down spirit and will by mentally questioning all activities and motivations. Hostile critics, they look for ways to make others wrong. The more they dwell on your faults and mistakes, the more you will watch them and react to their every move. As you strive to prove yourself or answer to them, the more energy you send their way. Everything you say will probably be used against you at some time. You feel as if you are being constantly monitored.
Hyper vigilant, their behavior may range from being cynical, skeptical, sarcastic, needling, perfectionist, self-righteous, to viciously manipulative. They initially engage others with their wit, infallible logic, facts, and intellect.
As parents, Interrogators create Aloof children and sometimes Poor Me's. Booth types want to escape having to answer (and be drained of their energy) to the constant scrutiny and needling of the Interrogators.
Aloof
Aloof people are caught up in their own internal world of unresolved struggles, fears, and self-doubt. They believe unconsciously that if they appear mysterious or detached, others will come to draw them out. Often lonely, they keep their distance for fear of others imposing their will or questioning their decisions (as their Interrogators parents did).
Thinking they have to do everything on their own, they don't ask for help. They need a "lot of space" and often avoid being pinned down by commitments. As children they were not often allowed to satisfy their need for independence or acknowledge for their own identity.
Prone to move toward the Poor Me side of the continuum, they don't realize that their not having what their own aloofness might be the cause of their not having what they want (e.g., money, love, self-esteem), or for their feelings of stagnation or confusion. They often see their main problem as a lack of something (money, friends, social contacts, education).
Their behavior ranges from disinterested, unavailable, uncooperative, to condescending, rejecting, contrary, and sneaky. Skilled at detachment as a defense, they tend to cut off their own energy with such phrases as "I'm different from others," "No one really understands what I'm trying to do," "I'm confused," "I don't want to play their game," "If only I had. . . "Opportunities slip away while they overanalyze everything. With any hint of conflict or confrontation, the Aloof becomes vague and can literally disappear (screening telephone calls or not keeping appointments). They initially engage through their mysterious, hard-to-get persona. Aloofs usually create Interrogators, but can also get into dramas with Intimidators or Poor Me's because they are in the center of the continuum.
Poor Me or Victim
Poor Me's don't ever feel they have enough power to confront the world in an active way, so they elicit sympathy, pulling energy toward them. When using the silent treatment, they may slide toward the Aloof mode, but as a Poor Me, they make sure that the silence does not go unnoticed.
Always pessimistic, Poor Me's pull attention to themselves by worried facial expressions, sighing, trembling, crying, staring into the distance, answering questionings slowly, and retelling poignant dramas and crises. They like to go last in line and defer to others. Their favorite two words are "Yes, but . . ."
Poor Me's initially seduce by their vulnerability and need for help. However, they are not really interested in solutions because then they would lose their source of energy. They might also exhibit over accommodating behavior which eventually leads them into feeling taken advantage of and reinforces their Poor Me method of gaining energy. As accommodators they have little ability to set boundaries and limits, and behavior ranges from convincing, defending, making excuses, repeatedly explaining, telling too much. To trying to solve problems that are not their business. They open themselves to being objectified, perhaps through their beauty or sexual favors, and then resent being taken for granted.
Poor Me's sustain their victim stance by attracting people who intimidate them. In the extreme cycles of domestic violence, an Intimidator will involve the Poor Me in increasingly violent episodes of abuse toward the Poor Me until a climax is reached. After the climax, the Intimidators retreats and apologizes, thus sending energy that seduces the Poor Me back into the cycle. (the typical bunch of flowers the day after a row…)
Reference Chart of Control Drama Positions
AGGRESSIVE
Intimidator
Denial, not listening Fear of being controlled.
Anger Fear of not enough.
OUTER BEHAVIOR INNER STRUGGLE
Get it anyway I can Someone else will get it first.
Arrogance No one notices me.
Me first No one cares.
Control I have to do it alone.
Rage No one ever took care of me.
Violence I'm dead.
Makes others feel: Matching Drama:
Afraid Poor Me: "Don't hurt me,
I'm not threatening."
Angry Intimidator: "You can't
hurt me. I'll fight
back."
Vengeful Interrogator: "You're not
as powerful as you
appear to be. What's
your weak point?"
Negated Aloof: "I will not confront
You."
Interrogator
Who do you think you are? No acknowledgement as a
Child.
Where are you going? People leave me and I'm
afraid.
Why didn't you . . . ? I want proof of your love.
Why don't you . . . ? You're going to leave me.
I told you so. You need me. I need you.
OUTER BEHAVIOR INNER STRUGGLE
Makes others feel: Matching Drama:
Monitored Aloof: "You don't know
what I'm thinking."
Negated Aloof: "You are more
powerful than I am.
You count more than I
do."
Wrong Martyr/Poor Me:
"Someday you'll see my
true worth.
PASSIVE
OUTER BEHAVIOR INNER STRUGGLE
Aloof
I'm not ready to . . . I'm not sure I can survive.
I need more (money, I don't trust myself; I'm
education, time) afraid.
I don't know, I'm not sure. I'll be trapped and I won't
Maybe be able to perform.
I'll let you know. I don't know what I feel.
Makes others feel: Matching Drama:
Uncertain Interrogator: "Are you
mad at me?"
Suspicious Interrogator: "What did I
do wrong?"
Poor Me
I'm tired. I do so much, no one sees
me.
OUTER BEHAVIOR INNER STRUGGLE
That's just the way I am. I don't know how to get
Energy any other way.
I'm doing the best I can. If I change, you won't
love me.
I'm fine. You don't really care
about me.
Let me do it. You need me. I need you.
Don't worry about me. I need recognition.
Makes others feel: Matching Drama:
Guilty Intimidator: "You want to
control me."
It's often easier to see these dramas in others.
For example, a woman said:
"I saw a control drama in the making yesterday when I was in a shoe store. A mother had come in looking for shoes with her nine-year-old daughter. The bored little girl asked, "Mom. Mom. What color shoes are you gonna buy?" Intent on searching the shoe racks, the mother did not respond to the question. In a whinier tone, again the question came, 'Mom. Mom. What color shoes are you gonna buy?' Still the mother did not respond." The woman said to us, "Before knowing about control dramas, I would just have seen that little girl as a pest, too, being a mother myself. Yesterday I felt like telling the mother, 'Say, did you realize you aloof manner is creating a little interrogator?' "
Control Dramas Are Fear Based
Each of the modes for controlling energy is rooted in the original fear that if one loses the connection to the parent, he or she will not be able to survive. When we were children, our parents were the source of our survival, and when we needed energy to feel secure, we used one of the dramas that seemed to work.
With the knowledge that there is a universal source of energy available to all, we need no longer stay in our old pattern of control and survival. Transforming the fear-based drama by connecting to our inner source, we exist at a higher vibration. When brought into awareness, the control dramas may potentially change to positive attributes.
One woman, a thirty-one-year-old single mother who currently works as a receptionist, wants more out of life. She has a dream, and her question is:
"How could I become financially independent enough to live anywhere I wanted to in the country and teach others how to be self-sufficient?"
In doing her parental analysis she discovered the following beliefs from both parent:
1 "Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to."
2 "Wait to live."
3 "Plan for the tragedies."
4 There's not enough time to do everything."
5 "Never a moment's rest."
6 "You got a good thing there. You'd better stay."
Her parents, while hardworking, good-intentioned people, had no passion or joy in life. She looked at her question about becoming financially independent and living anywhere she wanted and realized that the beliefs instilled by her parents were not going to lead her to her dream. While she realized it is important to be strategic, their lives were perfect feedback excessive caution did not lead to a self fulfilled life. She also realized that she was saying the same thing to herself about staying in the present job because it was "a good thing." In addition, she was putting her life on hold ("wait to live ") pending the receipt off a legal settlement. In subtle ways she was reflecting those early beliefs of her parents.
You might want to consider the following questions :
1 What made your mother afraid? What behavior did she exhibit?
2 What made your father afraid? What behavior did he exhibit?
3 What makes you afraid? How do you act? How are you similar to you parents?
Transforming Control Dramas
Once we become centered internally, our control dramas come into awareness, and these old habits can evolve into positive strengths.
Intimidator into Leader. When connected to the true source of power, an Intimidator will find more self-esteem when he uses his leadership qualities. Assertive without being domineering confident without being arrogant, he has more chance for enjoying challenges and gaining the cooperation of others.
One sixty-years-old management consultant once owned and operated a manufacturing company. Self-described as a "bastard on wheels," he almost never lost an argument and relished his illusion of power and intimidation. Bankruptcy and divorce proved humbling experiences and showed him how out of balance his life had become. Today he is an executive coach, helping people see why they make certain decisions and helping them get in touch with their true power. Knowing what his feelings are and how they can guide him with integrity has freed him from his self-imposed exile.
Interrogator into Advocate. The Interrogator, transformed, channels the predilection for questioning into research, using more well-rounded interpersonal skill as a teacher, counselor or advocate.
A forty-five-year-old woman who was part of a senior management team in a multinational financial services corporation was known for her impeccable analytic style and ability to pinpoint research flaws. Her well-respected status, however, did not fill the emotional void she felt. The emptiness of her personal life was overwhelming. Eventually she became extremely ill. Forced to reevaluate, she began to study psychology and now has her own private practice.
Aloof into independent thinker. Freed from the need to remain an outsider, Aloofs access deep inner intuitive resources to bring wisdom and creativity to their life's work, such as being a priest, healer, or artist.
A former minister, who literally hid behind his pulpit, made a major transformation to college teaching. In the beginning, he saw himself in the position as "the preacher," creating an artificial separation from his congregation. After a devastating personal review by parishioners, he was shocked into an awareness of his all-too-human nature. Humbled, he could no longer live isolated by his rigid beliefs.
Poor Me into Reformer. Having experienced true nurturing and unity, the Poor Me is able to stay grounded in his or her own inner source and becomes a compassionate reformer, social worker, or healer.
An incest survivor who tried to commit suicide at fifteen spent years in therapy trying to find out the cause of her depression. After weathering several relationships with intimidators, losing a job, and discovering her brother had AIDS, she had no choice but to surrender to a greater understanding. Today her inner healing has given her the ability to help others find the truth in their pain.
In most cases the transformation these people experienced was catalyzed by what looked like a negative event, such as divorce, bankruptcy, or illness. Pain, disillusionment, humiliation, isolation, and a sense of failure were essential elements that produced healing because each person was willing to take responsibility for what he or she needed to learn.
Analyzing Control Dramas
One of the most asked questions is:
"How do I get out of my control drama? What can I do?"
Become Conscious of Your Behavior. The first step in stopping your pattern is to become very clear about the control drama you learned as a child. Review the descriptions above and begin to notice your behavior, especially when you are under stress or anxious about something.
· Do you get belligerent, impatient, rigid, angry, and intimidate or dominate others? (Intimidator)
· Are you suspicious of others, or feel they are not paying enough attention? Do you needle, remonstrate, or interrogate them? (Interrogator)
· Do you keep your distance and play hard-to-get, avoiding situations where you must reveal yourself for fear of being judged? (Aloof)
· Are you always complaining and focusing on problems, hoping that others will come to your rescue? (Poor Me)
Become Conscious of What Types You Attract. Stop matching their dramas. Notice the nature of your everyday interactions and be willing to disengage from the game.
For example, are you having a lot of encounters with Intimidators? If so, you are probably feeling out of control or disempowered. You might be trying to get energy from them by being an Intimidator yourself (because of a belief in scarcity, which leads to a perceived need for competition). Or, if you are feeling like a victim of their actions, your reaction might be to try to justify your powerlessness, rather than take responsibility for your own life. If you are being intimidated, recognize where you need to get in touch with your own feelings of anger or injustice. How do you need to take action in your own life? Watch for defensive statements which are a clue that you have moved into a Poor Me stance to get some energy from the other.
One forty-year-old student said, "I have become aware that when I phone my mother (an Intimidator), I still tend to start the conversation with some little setback I've had, like car trouble or money problems. Unconsciously I want her to feel that I still need her support and energy. If I say something nice about myself, I feel kike she'll criticize me to 'keep me in my place."
Are many Poor Me's lining up to tell you a sob story? Perhaps you have started taking more responsibility for yourself and this is a reminder not to fall back into blaming others. Perhaps you are feeling uncertain, depressed, or afraid yourself, but are not in touch with the source of your feelings. In that case, you have projected out your own Poor Me feelings. The advice you give to a Poor Me friend might be something you need to hear yourself.
Do you have a major Interrogator in your life? Perhaps you are hiding feelings and not telling the whole truth about something. Ask yourself how you are withdrawing energy from this other person. Do you want him or her to notice something about you that you don't want to say directly? Do you feel inadequate, but are trying to appear "on top of things"? How have you lost your connection to the universal source?
Is someone being Aloof with you? Hard to reach, distant, or my mysterious? Do you find yourself wanting constant contact and wondering about their every thought, move, or motive? Perhaps you are doing to him what one of his parents did; interrogating and monitoring him. He may be being mysterious in order to keep from feeling engulfed or from having to perform.
Remember, your reactions are rooted in childhood insecurities.
Get in touch with your body; for example, notice if you freeze up under criticism or questioning. Rigidity, coldness, and fear sensations confirm that you are in competition for energy and that you have lost your center.
Naming the Drama
All dramas are covert strategies to get energy.
Covert manipulations for energy can't exist if you bring them into consciousness by pointing them out.
The best truth about what's going on in a conversation always prevails. After that the person in front of you has to be more real and honest.
Naming the drama brings the truth of encounter out into the open. Naming the drama does not necessarily mean that you mentally analyze your encounter and are able to articulate that this is an Interrogator and you're going into an Aloof mode or any other psychological explanations.
Naming the drama means that you are able to notice that a power struggle is in progress and that you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, browbeaten, powerless, or any number of feelings. Naming it means staying in the truth of your feelings and taking steps to disengage. Notice when you find yourself trying to convince someone, defending yourself, feeling threatened, or feeling guilty because someone is making you responsible for their problems. When you feel stuck, frozen, and confused, you are in a power struggle. The very process of becoming aware allows you to make a choice about continuing it or transforming it.
Remember that naming the drama might not be every easy to accomplish if emotions are running high or there is a lot of fear. The point is to get the truth out in the open. Always project love and understanding toward the other person and trust yourself to know when to speak. Try different approaches:
With Intimidators:
4 "Are you angry? If yes, at me?"
5 "I feel you are trying to make me afraid of you."
With Interrogators:
6 "I like you, and when I'm with you I feel criticized."
7 "Is there something else that's bothering you besides this issue?"
With Aloofs:
8 "I feel like you are withdrawing and being distant. How are you feeling?"
With Poor Me's:
9 "It feels like you're making me responsible for what's wrong in your life."
10 "You may not mean to, and it feels like you're trying to make me feel guilty."
Don't be afraid to sound awkward in the beginning. You are changing a lifelong pattern, and you might be not be able to smoothe at first in managing this energy. Often, the overt issues that people fight about are not the real issues. Look for the truth behind obvious.
Look Beyond the Drama to the Real Person. Stay centered in your own energy and remember to send the other person much energy as you can. Each person we encounter has a message for us, and we for them. If we are stuck in the no-win struggle for energy, we miss the message. Therefore, after naming the drama, we must see the person without preconceived judgments and give them energy voluntarily so that they, in turn, are able to receive and give to us.
Listen for clues that people present about what is really going on with them. For example, in the heat of an argument, one Intimidator shouted, "I've had it with these people. I'm tired of being pushed around. I've been pushed around ever since I was a kid." This helped the other person, who was fast going into a Poor Me reaction, to realize that the issues were not about her, but something deeper and older. In further conversation, she was able to speak more candidly and compassionately with the other person. In this case, because she knew him fairly well, she was able to draw some parallels about the power of early childhood influences in both their lives.
Reflections in Your Mirror. Once you have time to reflect on a control drama that you are involved in, look at yourself and the other person as objectively as you can. How is the other person like one of your parents? How are you reacting as you did in early childhood? It might be helpful to write about the encounter in your journal and spend a few minutes writing down your feelings. Allow the situation to each you, and avoid making judgments about what is happening.
Usually what bothers us about others is something we need to look at in ourselves, but are unwilling to do. Finger-pointing is a sign that we are trying to use blame instead of understanding.
For example, an organizational development consultant said, "I was frustrated with an executive who kept accusing certain employees of being stupid, instead of seeing how his whole situation had developed out a lack of communication. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing with one of my own colleagues: calling him names in my mind, and not looking at deeper issues." Finger-pointing ever gets anything resolved. Everybody loses energy.
Ask yourself these questions:
· What is a control drama showing me that I most need to know right now?
· Do need to set better limits in the beginning of encounters?
· Do I take events personally when they are not really about me?
· Do I try to press an advantage when I see weakness in the other?
Be Willing to Walk Away When You See You're Hooked.
For example, Poor Me's will become hooked into their drama with an Intimidator or Interrogator by continually trying to re-explain, convince, or defend. If you do this, notice how much time you spend obsessing on how you can finally, once and for all, convince this person of something. As you release your need to gain energy by your old methods, you will able to walk away from temptation to keep convincing.
Intimidators get hooked on the adrenaline rush of overpowering and winning. If you do this, ask yourself, "What do I most want? Do I need to get it only this way?" Be willing to stay flexible and open; stop trying to control everything. Perhaps cooperation would bring even more benefits than how you now perceive the solution.
Interrogators get hooked by their illusion of self-righteousness. If you do this, be willing to look at the situation from the other point of view. What might you learn from doing this? Be willing to talk about your real feelings and do something to gain energy for yourself rather than chasing someone who is withdrawing.
Aloofs get hooked by wanting to cover up fears, self doubts, and confusion. If you do this, be willing to ask for help. Admit than you don't have quite everything together. What support do you need right now? What are you feeling? Be willing to walk toward something. Walking away is the easy way out for you.
Case History.
When Jane, a real estate broker, learned about control dramas, she became determined to change her own habits.
This determination was a powerful statement of intention which synchronistically attracted opportunities to break through her pattern.
Within a couple of months she had two encounters with very difficult people who reminded her of her domineering mother. She became increasingly aware that she habitually attempted to receive energy by becoming a self-righteous Poor Me. She recognize these encounters as opportunities to change her old habits.
In her most conflicted encounters, Jane found herself deadlocked with a very intimidating client who refused to negotiate on the price of his home. In addition, he was becoming increasingly belligerent over the time it was taking to sell the house. Jane's first reaction was to defend herself with justifications on how hard she was working and so forth (Poor Me). The situation worsened. Soon she was focusing entirely on how she could prove him wrong, and herself right.
Jane, by this time, had lost sight of her goal-which was to sell the house. She was booked into her childhood pattern of feeling criticized by someone with an overbearing personality (like her mother), which resulted in trying to regain energy via a Poor Me stance.
First, Jane took note of how drained she felt and spent some time building up her energy on a daily basis.
Second, she remembered that the way out of a control drama is to name it-that is, call it out into the open and make it an overt, rather than covert, situation. Determined to try new behavior, she called her client. Staying with her feelings, she told him that she was feelings at a loss as to what to do next, because she was beginning to feel criticized for her decisions so far. She told him that she had tried her best to work with his price and understood that he did not want to reduce it. Her ability to bring her issues out in the open laid the groundwork for them to begin discussing various options of how they might continue to work together.
She admitted that is was hard to stay centered when he fired off his interrogatory comments, and not play the Poor Me match to his Intimidator/Interrogator. "Intellectually, I know he's under a lot of pressure to sell, and he's trying to exert control, too. Even so, I caught myself freezing up. My biggest hang-up was thinking that the house wasn't selling because of something I was doing or not doing. I really thought it was about me 'getting it right. I've stopped feeling guilty for not solving his 'problems,' and recognize that he is working out issues which have little to do with me. What a relief I feel." Trying to solve his problem for him and "save" him was literally a replay of her early childhood role of caretaking her dysfunctional mother. In this instance, she let go of her need to feel in control of a situation that she could not control. Realizing that this sale was not going to be the only one she would ever make, she began to detach from the outcome.
What Our Dramas Can Teach Us
Using Jane's example, let's take a moment to recap the principles that were at work.
Parental Relationships Are Mirrored in Other Relationships. The parental review gave Jane greater insights about how old dramas recur. "I did my parental review, but it was kind of flat for me until I started actually working on the control drama with my client. This was a direct lesson about what I had to learn after I started reviewing my past. Once I saw the dynamic of how I went into Poor Me mode, I really understood the effect my mother had on me. In retrospect, though, maybe she was a good trainer for my real estate practice!"
Every situation has a message. With the increase of attention on her current question about parental influences, synchronicity provided Jane with a client that was a perfect reflection of her interior beliefs and judgments about herself.
Her Body Gave Her Clues. Jane realized that it's important to pay attention to intuitions and bodily sensations of discomfort. These physical cues let her know when she is falling into reactive behavior. The more she learns to trust her own impressions, the sooner she can stop reactive behavior.
She Told the Truth and Didn't Die. She realized she had to verbalize her discomfort to herself and communicate this in an appropriate way to the exact right words. Learning to confront and to give feedback in a friendly way is necessary if we ate not going to continue covert behavior.
She Asked for Help. She realized that she didn't have to solve the situation alone. By bringing the situation into overt awareness and staying truthful, she has a chance of including the other person in the solution. She realized that she can only be responsible for herself. She doesn't have to come up with all the answers.
She Took a Broader View. Jane went back over her parental review and gained further insights. She said, "Some of my perceptions were so deeply buried that it took some time before I was ready to see even so much."
Progress. Not Perfection...
Life is a journey, not and end result, and it's important to accept ourselves and others the way we are. We might not like others or approve of their behavior, but life is about experience and bringing ourselves into loving unity. Blaming, judging, and comparing ourselves to others "progress" or stage of enlightenment is not helpful. As you work with releasing your control drama, keep it in perspective and keep your sense of humor. Whenever you can, remember to bring yourself into peaceful oneness.
Be Easy on Yourself!
As you work on becoming more aware of control dramas, please realize that this information is a tool for transformation, not a weapon to use in "enlightening" others or frustrating yourself. Be easy on yourself as you begin to change your behavior. Remember that it is always easier to see these dramas in others. When you feel angry, self-righteous, shutdown, depressed, or isolated, you have allowed yourself to look for solutions and energy in old ways.
When you can truthfully feel that your heart is open and you are peaceful with whatever is happening in your life, and then you are connected to your own energy. When in doubt, breathe, look for the humor in what's happening, and do something to get your energy higher.
